Habit 4: Think Win-Win®

With Habit 4, we begin to examine our relationships with others. This is The Habit of Mutual Benefit. Ineffective people operate from the mindset that "There is only so much, and the more you get, the less there is for me." Effective people live with the paradigm that "There is plenty out there for everyone, and more to spare."

In thinking Win-Win, we look for a solution that works for both parties. This is different from a compromise, in which someone is giving something up and, in effect, losing.

People with a Win-Lose paradigm think the only way for them to win is for someone else to lose. They are driven by comparison, competition and power.

Those with a Lose-Win orientation are easily intimidated and may try to gain acceptance or popularity by giving in. They lose, the other person wins.

In a Lose-Lose situation, "If I'm going down, you're going with me." They don't expect to succeed, but don't want the other to do so, either.

The only way for a long term relationship to succeed is for it be a Win-Win. As long as one or the other person is losing some or much of the time, the relationship will not be operating at its most effective level. This is true in both personal and professional relationships.

Effective people come from an Abundance mentality-"There is plenty of (love, success, business, etc.) to go around." Ineffective people operate in a world of Scarcity. "There is not enough (fill in the blank) and I need to get mine."

What about competition? It has its place; athletics can be one such instance. But, in situations of conflict, in long-term relationships, in interdependent situations, Win-Win leads to much better results. Can you imagine effective friendship, marriage, parenting or teamwork which is competitive? How much better would it be if both parties were winning?

In order to be effective in Win-Win situations, it is necessary to balance Courage and Consideration. Courage involves the willingness to speak one's thoughts and feelings. Consideration requires the willingness to seek and listen to others' thoughts and feelings with respect. You can't have Win-Win without both, in balance. For example, someone with a lot of Consideration for others, but not much Courage, probably is frequently in Lose-Win relationships.

It is too involved to go into here, but in order to be successful in this area, you can build Win-Win Agreements with others. This includes identifying desired results, holding one another accountable and defining the consequences of not achieving the outcome. These agreements can be made between parents and children, co-workers, spouses, etc.

Finally, organizations can design Win-Win systems. For example, do the incentives at your company reward Win-Win or do they encourage Win-Lose?

Next time, Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood®.

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