Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®

In Habit 4, we learned that Think Win-Win® is the attitude of effective relationships. Habit 5 is the skill that makes those Win-Win relationships possible. In order for our relationships to be effective, there must be mutual trust. And, there can only be trust when each person feels truly understood by the other. Habit 5 says, "Before trying to make my point, I will first truly understand the other person."

Often, we listen with the intent to reply. Before the other person has even finished their thought, we are already formulating our response. Can we truly understand the other person if we are inside our own head, thinking of how we will reply to what they are saying?

Have you ever been in a conversation where you were speaking and you could see the other person was only half listening to you and dying to tell you what they thought? On the other hand, how about a conversation where it was clear to you that the other was really trying to understand, not only what you were thinking, but how you were feeling? That they were suspending their judgements, their opinions, their solutions and simply trying to put themselves completely in your shoes? That they were trying to see the world exactly as you do.

Which of those two experiences do you prefer? I am confident most people would say they prefer those all-too-rare situations in which the other person is truly listening and not already working on their response.

One thing we do when we are itching to respond is "prescribing before diagnosing." Would you want your doctor giving you a prescription before accurately diagnosing the problem? But, don't we often do that? Sometimes it is better not to be so helpful and just to understand the other person.

The skill of Habit 5 is Empathic Listening. It involves simply reflecting back to the speaker what they said and how they feel, in your own words. Something like: "You are feeling overwhelmed by all the work you have to do." And, then, confirming to see if you got it right.

For many of us, empathic listening can be a hard skill to learn. We might prefer to prescribe a solution to the person who is overwhelmed. We might rather offer a judgement, telling them they shouldn't feel that way. We might try to be supportive, telling them that we understand they have every right to feel overwhelmed. None of those responses is as effective as simply understanding how they feel and reflecting that back to them.

You might think empathy takes a long time. Wouldn't it be easier just to offer a solution? In fact, when you really understand the other person, that encourages them to talk further and deeper and to get to THEIR solution much more quickly.

In the second half of Habit 5, once the other person confirms that you have fully understood them, then you may seek to be understood. Hopefully, they are also practicing Habit 5 and seeking to understand you. In a truly effective interchange, you will go back and forth, truly understanding one another before seeking to be understood.

How might this apply in triathlon? In triathlon, we are offered lots of advice by coaches, fellow athletes and others. It is easy to be reactive when hearing such advice, rejecting, amending, judging, or qualifying it. Or, we could simply seek fully to understand the input. Who knows, we might learn something.

Could your organization be more productive if there was more effective listening going on? Contact me about bringing the 7 Habits to your work group.

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Habit 4: Think Win-Win®

With Habit 4, we begin to examine our relationships with others. This is The Habit of Mutual Benefit. Ineffective people operate from the mindset that "There is only so much, and the more you get, the less there is for me." Effective people live with the paradigm that "There is plenty out there for everyone, and more to spare."

In thinking Win-Win, we look for a solution that works for both parties. This is different from a compromise, in which someone is giving something up and, in effect, losing.

People with a Win-Lose paradigm think the only way for them to win is for someone else to lose. They are driven by comparison, competition and power.

Those with a Lose-Win orientation are easily intimidated and may try to gain acceptance or popularity by giving in. They lose, the other person wins.

In a Lose-Lose situation, "If I'm going down, you're going with me." They don't expect to succeed, but don't want the other to do so, either.

The only way for a long term relationship to succeed is for it be a Win-Win. As long as one or the other person is losing some or much of the time, the relationship will not be operating at its most effective level. This is true in both personal and professional relationships.

Effective people come from an Abundance mentality-"There is plenty of (love, success, business, etc.) to go around." Ineffective people operate in a world of Scarcity. "There is not enough (fill in the blank) and I need to get mine."

What about competition? It has its place; athletics can be one such instance. But, in situations of conflict, in long-term relationships, in interdependent situations, Win-Win leads to much better results. Can you imagine effective friendship, marriage, parenting or teamwork which is competitive? How much better would it be if both parties were winning?

In order to be effective in Win-Win situations, it is necessary to balance Courage and Consideration. Courage involves the willingness to speak one's thoughts and feelings. Consideration requires the willingness to seek and listen to others' thoughts and feelings with respect. You can't have Win-Win without both, in balance. For example, someone with a lot of Consideration for others, but not much Courage, probably is frequently in Lose-Win relationships.

It is too involved to go into here, but in order to be successful in this area, you can build Win-Win Agreements with others. This includes identifying desired results, holding one another accountable and defining the consequences of not achieving the outcome. These agreements can be made between parents and children, co-workers, spouses, etc.

Finally, organizations can design Win-Win systems. For example, do the incentives at your company reward Win-Win or do they encourage Win-Lose?

Next time, Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood®.

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