In Habit 4, we learned that Think Win-Win® is the attitude of effective relationships. Habit 5 is the skill that makes those Win-Win relationships possible. In order for our relationships to be effective, there must be mutual trust. And, there can only be trust when each person feels truly understood by the other. Habit 5 says, "Before trying to make my point, I will first truly understand the other person."
Often, we listen with the intent to reply. Before the other person has even finished their thought, we are already formulating our response. Can we truly understand the other person if we are inside our own head, thinking of how we will reply to what they are saying?
Have you ever been in a conversation where you were speaking and you could see the other person was only half listening to you and dying to tell you what they thought? On the other hand, how about a conversation where it was clear to you that the other was really trying to understand, not only what you were thinking, but how you were feeling? That they were suspending their judgements, their opinions, their solutions and simply trying to put themselves completely in your shoes? That they were trying to see the world exactly as you do.
Which of those two experiences do you prefer? I am confident most people would say they prefer those all-too-rare situations in which the other person is truly listening and not already working on their response.
One thing we do when we are itching to respond is "prescribing before diagnosing." Would you want your doctor giving you a prescription before accurately diagnosing the problem? But, don't we often do that? Sometimes it is better not to be so helpful and just to understand the other person.
The skill of Habit 5 is Empathic Listening. It involves simply reflecting back to the speaker what they said and how they feel, in your own words. Something like: "You are feeling overwhelmed by all the work you have to do." And, then, confirming to see if you got it right.
For many of us, empathic listening can be a hard skill to learn. We might prefer to prescribe a solution to the person who is overwhelmed. We might rather offer a judgement, telling them they shouldn't feel that way. We might try to be supportive, telling them that we understand they have every right to feel overwhelmed. None of those responses is as effective as simply understanding how they feel and reflecting that back to them.
You might think empathy takes a long time. Wouldn't it be easier just to offer a solution? In fact, when you really understand the other person, that encourages them to talk further and deeper and to get to THEIR solution much more quickly.
In the second half of Habit 5, once the other person confirms that you have fully understood them, then you may seek to be understood. Hopefully, they are also practicing Habit 5 and seeking to understand you. In a truly effective interchange, you will go back and forth, truly understanding one another before seeking to be understood.
How might this apply in triathlon? In triathlon, we are offered lots of advice by coaches, fellow athletes and others. It is easy to be reactive when hearing such advice, rejecting, amending, judging, or qualifying it. Or, we could simply seek fully to understand the input. Who knows, we might learn something.
Could your organization be more productive if there was more effective listening going on? Contact me about bringing the 7 Habits to your work group.
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