In Habit 4, we learned that Think Win-Win® is the attitude of effective relationships. Habit 5 is the skill that makes those Win-Win relationships possible. In order for our relationships to be effective, there must be mutual trust. And, there can only be trust when each person feels truly understood by the other. Habit 5 says, "Before trying to make my point, I will first truly understand the other person."
Often, we listen with the intent to reply. Before the other person has even finished their thought, we are already formulating our response. Can we truly understand the other person if we are inside our own head, thinking of how we will reply to what they are saying?
Have you ever been in a conversation where you were speaking and you could see the other person was only half listening to you and dying to tell you what they thought? On the other hand, how about a conversation where it was clear to you that the other was really trying to understand, not only what you were thinking, but how you were feeling? That they were suspending their judgements, their opinions, their solutions and simply trying to put themselves completely in your shoes? That they were trying to see the world exactly as you do.
Which of those two experiences do you prefer? I am confident most people would say they prefer those all-too-rare situations in which the other person is truly listening and not already working on their response.
One thing we do when we are itching to respond is "prescribing before diagnosing." Would you want your doctor giving you a prescription before accurately diagnosing the problem? But, don't we often do that? Sometimes it is better not to be so helpful and just to understand the other person.
The skill of Habit 5 is Empathic Listening. It involves simply reflecting back to the speaker what they said and how they feel, in your own words. Something like: "You are feeling overwhelmed by all the work you have to do." And, then, confirming to see if you got it right.
For many of us, empathic listening can be a hard skill to learn. We might prefer to prescribe a solution to the person who is overwhelmed. We might rather offer a judgement, telling them they shouldn't feel that way. We might try to be supportive, telling them that we understand they have every right to feel overwhelmed. None of those responses is as effective as simply understanding how they feel and reflecting that back to them.
You might think empathy takes a long time. Wouldn't it be easier just to offer a solution? In fact, when you really understand the other person, that encourages them to talk further and deeper and to get to THEIR solution much more quickly.
In the second half of Habit 5, once the other person confirms that you have fully understood them, then you may seek to be understood. Hopefully, they are also practicing Habit 5 and seeking to understand you. In a truly effective interchange, you will go back and forth, truly understanding one another before seeking to be understood.
How might this apply in triathlon? In triathlon, we are offered lots of advice by coaches, fellow athletes and others. It is easy to be reactive when hearing such advice, rejecting, amending, judging, or qualifying it. Or, we could simply seek fully to understand the input. Who knows, we might learn something.
Could your organization be more productive if there was more effective listening going on? Contact me about bringing the 7 Habits to your work group.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Habit 4: Think Win-Win®
With Habit 4, we begin to examine our relationships with others. This is The Habit of Mutual Benefit. Ineffective people operate from the mindset that "There is only so much, and the more you get, the less there is for me." Effective people live with the paradigm that "There is plenty out there for everyone, and more to spare."
In thinking Win-Win, we look for a solution that works for both parties. This is different from a compromise, in which someone is giving something up and, in effect, losing.
People with a Win-Lose paradigm think the only way for them to win is for someone else to lose. They are driven by comparison, competition and power.
Those with a Lose-Win orientation are easily intimidated and may try to gain acceptance or popularity by giving in. They lose, the other person wins.
In a Lose-Lose situation, "If I'm going down, you're going with me." They don't expect to succeed, but don't want the other to do so, either.
The only way for a long term relationship to succeed is for it be a Win-Win. As long as one or the other person is losing some or much of the time, the relationship will not be operating at its most effective level. This is true in both personal and professional relationships.
Effective people come from an Abundance mentality-"There is plenty of (love, success, business, etc.) to go around." Ineffective people operate in a world of Scarcity. "There is not enough (fill in the blank) and I need to get mine."
What about competition? It has its place; athletics can be one such instance. But, in situations of conflict, in long-term relationships, in interdependent situations, Win-Win leads to much better results. Can you imagine effective friendship, marriage, parenting or teamwork which is competitive? How much better would it be if both parties were winning?
In order to be effective in Win-Win situations, it is necessary to balance Courage and Consideration. Courage involves the willingness to speak one's thoughts and feelings. Consideration requires the willingness to seek and listen to others' thoughts and feelings with respect. You can't have Win-Win without both, in balance. For example, someone with a lot of Consideration for others, but not much Courage, probably is frequently in Lose-Win relationships.
It is too involved to go into here, but in order to be successful in this area, you can build Win-Win Agreements with others. This includes identifying desired results, holding one another accountable and defining the consequences of not achieving the outcome. These agreements can be made between parents and children, co-workers, spouses, etc.
Finally, organizations can design Win-Win systems. For example, do the incentives at your company reward Win-Win or do they encourage Win-Lose?
Next time, Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood®.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
In thinking Win-Win, we look for a solution that works for both parties. This is different from a compromise, in which someone is giving something up and, in effect, losing.
People with a Win-Lose paradigm think the only way for them to win is for someone else to lose. They are driven by comparison, competition and power.
Those with a Lose-Win orientation are easily intimidated and may try to gain acceptance or popularity by giving in. They lose, the other person wins.
In a Lose-Lose situation, "If I'm going down, you're going with me." They don't expect to succeed, but don't want the other to do so, either.
The only way for a long term relationship to succeed is for it be a Win-Win. As long as one or the other person is losing some or much of the time, the relationship will not be operating at its most effective level. This is true in both personal and professional relationships.
Effective people come from an Abundance mentality-"There is plenty of (love, success, business, etc.) to go around." Ineffective people operate in a world of Scarcity. "There is not enough (fill in the blank) and I need to get mine."
What about competition? It has its place; athletics can be one such instance. But, in situations of conflict, in long-term relationships, in interdependent situations, Win-Win leads to much better results. Can you imagine effective friendship, marriage, parenting or teamwork which is competitive? How much better would it be if both parties were winning?
In order to be effective in Win-Win situations, it is necessary to balance Courage and Consideration. Courage involves the willingness to speak one's thoughts and feelings. Consideration requires the willingness to seek and listen to others' thoughts and feelings with respect. You can't have Win-Win without both, in balance. For example, someone with a lot of Consideration for others, but not much Courage, probably is frequently in Lose-Win relationships.
It is too involved to go into here, but in order to be successful in this area, you can build Win-Win Agreements with others. This includes identifying desired results, holding one another accountable and defining the consequences of not achieving the outcome. These agreements can be made between parents and children, co-workers, spouses, etc.
Finally, organizations can design Win-Win systems. For example, do the incentives at your company reward Win-Win or do they encourage Win-Lose?
Next time, Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood®.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Habit 3: Put First Things First®-part 2 of 2
In Habit 3, we saw that often it is a challenge to distinguish between what is important (to achieving our goals) and what is urgent (must be done now.) To be effective, we want to spend more of our time doing those things that are important but not urgent. These include planning, preparation, prevention, relaxation, and relationship building. We want to spend less time dominated by urgency (crises and deadlines) and the unimportant (activities which do not really move us in the direction of our most significant goals.)
In order to execute on this, there are three things we need to do:
Now that we have our week planned, the next thing to do is to Plan Daily. At the end of each day, we take a few minutes to plan out the next. If we do not, what happens? We might spend our day in our Inbox, reacting to everyone's else's demands on our time. We might spend the day checking items off our To Do list, getting lots of stuff done, but are we getting the most important things accomplished? And, swearing that tomorrow will be different; "I will finally get to those important activities tomorrow." But, without getting them into your daily calendar before your day starts, without a prioritized task list, will tomorrow be any different?
Finally, in order for any of this to work, we must have a Planning System that incorporates our Calendar, our Tasks, our Contacts and our Documents. Whether we use paper, electronics or a combination, it is essential to have an integrated system and one that we can have wherever we are.
What does an ineffective system look like? A to-do scribbled on Post-its or scraps of paper or carried around in your head, a calendar on your desk when you are at a meeting across town, an address book in your car when you are at the soccer game and need a phone number, a document you need which is in a pile on your desk.
This is an effective system: Wherever you are, you can schedule an appointment, find an email address, or record a task to be done sometime later.
In triathlon, what do you think happens if an athlete begins the week with no plan? Do you think she will get in all the necessary training? Do you think there might be all sorts of last minute cramming and jamming to find time to do the workouts? Might that cause stress as well as conflicts with family and training partners? Is it possible the athlete would show up at the wrong place or at the wrong time or discover a last minute conflict if none of this is in writing?
On the other hand, what if the triathlete looked at her schedule for the following week on Sunday night. In the Calendar would already be recurring workouts: every Tuesday and Thursday from 5:30-8:00 pm the training group meets. Massage and a visit to the physical therapist is also in the calendar. Then, she adds other important entries to her calendar (dinner with spouse, the keiki's basketball game.) Her Task List has everything that needs to be done, with a due date and a priority. Now that all the important items are in her Calendar or Task List, she can add other, less important ones. This is the way to be sure that the week is full of the most important things she can do, not only as a triathlete, but also in her other important roles. This is not designed to get everything done, just the right things.
My planning system: My iPhone contains my Calendar, Contacts, Task List and some important Documents I may need. It is synced to my iPad and desktop computer. If I schedule a meeting, the change automatically appears on all my devices. I don't have to tell someone that I will check my calendar and get back to them later. Everything I need is with me, all the time. This works for me, but each person needs to find a system that works for them.
There may be some effort involved to set all this up. But, the payoff can be tremendous. Instead of being at the mercy of all the stuff coming at you, you have planning habits and a system that support the attainment of your most important goals.
If you think that you and those around you could be more effective if you were more proactive in the choices you make (Habit 1,) did a better job beginning with the end in mind (Habit 2,) and getting the most important things done (Habit 3,) contact me about bringing The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to your company or organization.
Next time: Habit 4: Think Win-Win
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
In order to execute on this, there are three things we need to do:
- Plan Weekly
- Plan Daily
- Have an Effective Planning System
Now that we have our week planned, the next thing to do is to Plan Daily. At the end of each day, we take a few minutes to plan out the next. If we do not, what happens? We might spend our day in our Inbox, reacting to everyone's else's demands on our time. We might spend the day checking items off our To Do list, getting lots of stuff done, but are we getting the most important things accomplished? And, swearing that tomorrow will be different; "I will finally get to those important activities tomorrow." But, without getting them into your daily calendar before your day starts, without a prioritized task list, will tomorrow be any different?
Finally, in order for any of this to work, we must have a Planning System that incorporates our Calendar, our Tasks, our Contacts and our Documents. Whether we use paper, electronics or a combination, it is essential to have an integrated system and one that we can have wherever we are.
What does an ineffective system look like? A to-do scribbled on Post-its or scraps of paper or carried around in your head, a calendar on your desk when you are at a meeting across town, an address book in your car when you are at the soccer game and need a phone number, a document you need which is in a pile on your desk.
This is an effective system: Wherever you are, you can schedule an appointment, find an email address, or record a task to be done sometime later.
In triathlon, what do you think happens if an athlete begins the week with no plan? Do you think she will get in all the necessary training? Do you think there might be all sorts of last minute cramming and jamming to find time to do the workouts? Might that cause stress as well as conflicts with family and training partners? Is it possible the athlete would show up at the wrong place or at the wrong time or discover a last minute conflict if none of this is in writing?
On the other hand, what if the triathlete looked at her schedule for the following week on Sunday night. In the Calendar would already be recurring workouts: every Tuesday and Thursday from 5:30-8:00 pm the training group meets. Massage and a visit to the physical therapist is also in the calendar. Then, she adds other important entries to her calendar (dinner with spouse, the keiki's basketball game.) Her Task List has everything that needs to be done, with a due date and a priority. Now that all the important items are in her Calendar or Task List, she can add other, less important ones. This is the way to be sure that the week is full of the most important things she can do, not only as a triathlete, but also in her other important roles. This is not designed to get everything done, just the right things.
My planning system: My iPhone contains my Calendar, Contacts, Task List and some important Documents I may need. It is synced to my iPad and desktop computer. If I schedule a meeting, the change automatically appears on all my devices. I don't have to tell someone that I will check my calendar and get back to them later. Everything I need is with me, all the time. This works for me, but each person needs to find a system that works for them.
There may be some effort involved to set all this up. But, the payoff can be tremendous. Instead of being at the mercy of all the stuff coming at you, you have planning habits and a system that support the attainment of your most important goals.
If you think that you and those around you could be more effective if you were more proactive in the choices you make (Habit 1,) did a better job beginning with the end in mind (Habit 2,) and getting the most important things done (Habit 3,) contact me about bringing The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to your company or organization.
Next time: Habit 4: Think Win-Win
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Habit 3: Put First Things First®
Habit 3 is the habit of integrity and execution. In Habit 1, we realize that we choose the direction our lives will take. In Habit 2, we set that direction. In Habit 3, we make it happen. It's where we put our plans into action and follow through on them with integrity. Integrity means we do what we said we would do (in Habit 2.)
Why is it so hard to act on our priorities, to Put First Things First? Because urgent things get in the way. A quick fix now can be a lot more appealing than a result that takes a long time to achieve.
If we attend all the time to urgencies, rather than the important goals we have set, we can be in a chronic state of crisis. Reacting to emails, deadlines, pressing problems and emergencies. At the end of the day, we have been busy and stressed, but we wonder if we really got anything important done. The urgencies may not even be our own. We may be reacting to the requests or demands of others, their phone calls, their interruptions. Again, we are stressed and busy, but we find that we have not accomplished our own priorities.
To some people, focusing on our own priorities seems selfish. "Is it right to be so concerned with what I think is important?" These first three habits really aren't much about how we relate to others. They involve self-mastery and self-discipline. The idea is that before we can build highly effective relationships with others (Habits 4-6,) we must first have mastery over ourselves. The question actually is, "Can I be effective with others if I do not choose (Habit 1) what direction I want my life to take (Habit 2) and do what I need to do to get there (Habit 3.) Can I sustain valued relationships with others if I can't manage my own life effectively?"
Do you think accomplishing your own goals is "selfish?"
Sometimes, we get so burned out by all of this urgency, that we retreat to doing things that are neither urgent nor important: mindlessly surfing the internet, watching endless hours of TV, gossiping, etc. We may end up feeling guilty for having squandered time on activities which may have begun as a stress-reliever and ended up a complete waste of time.
To be effective, we want to spend our time doing things which are important, but not urgent. For example, consider working on an important report due in two weeks. It is important because it is aligned with the goals we set in Habit 2. But, it is not urgent. We don't have to work on it today; it is not due for two weeks. But, do we do better work when we can devote some uninterrupted time to a project or when we are under the gun, stressed because it has been put off until the last minute? Some of you may respond that you work best under pressure. But, the truth is that working on something over time, taking time to review it, and getting input as you go along produces a much better result than cramming it all in under pressure.
Certainly, when it comes to triathlon, this is true. Like so many important goals, there is no urgency six months before the event. I can always skip today's training because the race isn't for a long time. But, which do you think will produce a better outcome: consistent daily and weekly training, gradually building up endurance and speed over six months or preparing for an Ironman by jamming all the training into four weeks? Which approach is more likely to lead to injury? Which approach will be more stressful?
Think about some of the important goals that you have, at home and at work. Could they do with less urgency?
Which of your relationships could benefit from some attention in a relaxed, non-urgent atmosphere?
What is a situation where some planning now could prevent a crisis later?
What is a situation where your outcome will be better if you prepare ahead of time rather than wait until just before the deadline?
Are you ever deceived into acting on something because it seems important at the time, only to realize later that it was urgent, but not actually important to achievement of your goals?
What are some situations in which you may be reacting to urgency, without taking the time to determine whether they are actually important?
Why is it sometimes hard to distinguish between urgent and important?
What are some examples of you reacting to the urgencies of other people, at the expense of your own priorities?
In the next blog entry, more on Habit 3: how to act on the important, not just react to the urgent.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Why is it so hard to act on our priorities, to Put First Things First? Because urgent things get in the way. A quick fix now can be a lot more appealing than a result that takes a long time to achieve.
If we attend all the time to urgencies, rather than the important goals we have set, we can be in a chronic state of crisis. Reacting to emails, deadlines, pressing problems and emergencies. At the end of the day, we have been busy and stressed, but we wonder if we really got anything important done. The urgencies may not even be our own. We may be reacting to the requests or demands of others, their phone calls, their interruptions. Again, we are stressed and busy, but we find that we have not accomplished our own priorities.
To some people, focusing on our own priorities seems selfish. "Is it right to be so concerned with what I think is important?" These first three habits really aren't much about how we relate to others. They involve self-mastery and self-discipline. The idea is that before we can build highly effective relationships with others (Habits 4-6,) we must first have mastery over ourselves. The question actually is, "Can I be effective with others if I do not choose (Habit 1) what direction I want my life to take (Habit 2) and do what I need to do to get there (Habit 3.) Can I sustain valued relationships with others if I can't manage my own life effectively?"
Do you think accomplishing your own goals is "selfish?"
Sometimes, we get so burned out by all of this urgency, that we retreat to doing things that are neither urgent nor important: mindlessly surfing the internet, watching endless hours of TV, gossiping, etc. We may end up feeling guilty for having squandered time on activities which may have begun as a stress-reliever and ended up a complete waste of time.
To be effective, we want to spend our time doing things which are important, but not urgent. For example, consider working on an important report due in two weeks. It is important because it is aligned with the goals we set in Habit 2. But, it is not urgent. We don't have to work on it today; it is not due for two weeks. But, do we do better work when we can devote some uninterrupted time to a project or when we are under the gun, stressed because it has been put off until the last minute? Some of you may respond that you work best under pressure. But, the truth is that working on something over time, taking time to review it, and getting input as you go along produces a much better result than cramming it all in under pressure.
Certainly, when it comes to triathlon, this is true. Like so many important goals, there is no urgency six months before the event. I can always skip today's training because the race isn't for a long time. But, which do you think will produce a better outcome: consistent daily and weekly training, gradually building up endurance and speed over six months or preparing for an Ironman by jamming all the training into four weeks? Which approach is more likely to lead to injury? Which approach will be more stressful?
Think about some of the important goals that you have, at home and at work. Could they do with less urgency?
Which of your relationships could benefit from some attention in a relaxed, non-urgent atmosphere?
What is a situation where some planning now could prevent a crisis later?
What is a situation where your outcome will be better if you prepare ahead of time rather than wait until just before the deadline?
Are you ever deceived into acting on something because it seems important at the time, only to realize later that it was urgent, but not actually important to achievement of your goals?
What are some situations in which you may be reacting to urgency, without taking the time to determine whether they are actually important?
Why is it sometimes hard to distinguish between urgent and important?
What are some examples of you reacting to the urgencies of other people, at the expense of your own priorities?
In the next blog entry, more on Habit 3: how to act on the important, not just react to the urgent.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Habit 2: Begin With the End in Mind®
Habit 2 is the habit of vision. In Habit 1, we saw that we have the freedom to choose. In this habit, we get to decide where to go and what we want to create.
The computer is a great metaphor for the first three habits:
Habit 1: I am the programmer
Habit 2: I write the program
Habit 3: I run the program
The principle of Habit 2 is that Mental Creation Precedes Physical Creation. Everything human beings make has been created at least twice: first in the mind as an idea or design and second in the physical creation process. Highly effective people create everything twice-whether it be meetings, projects, key conversations, or their own lives. First in their planning and then in the world.
Highly effective people take time to clarify outcomes. They approach projects, meetings, relationships and their life with a plan or design in mind. Ineffective people live by default. Life happens to them. They act before envisioning a clear outcome. They are at the mercy of circumstances and other people.
Do you Begin With the End in Mind
At the start of every meeting?
At the beginning of every day, every week?
When you begin a new project?
Before you begin a crucial conversation?
An important component of Habit 2 is to have a Personal Mission Statement. Such a statement can clarify what is important to you. That in turn can help you in designing your life. If you don't know what your Life Mission is, how do you decide what should be the goal of your relationships, of your work, of your leisure time? You can find a Personal Mission Statement Builder at http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/.
This habit, of course, is a no-brainer for triathletes. Our life is full of goals: the next race, the Personal Record we want to achieve at that event, our weight, the number of repetitions with the barbells, etc. For me, these goals are critical. At the moment, the big goal is Ironman Cozumel in 34 days. I have set my goal finish time. I have set goal paces for the swim, bike and run. Every day when I train, I am focused because I am not just running, I am training for an Ironman on December 1. Having that End in Mind makes all the difference.
As you approach your life in the coming week, I invite you to take the time to envision your desired outcomes before you act. When that becomes a habit, you are taking an important step in designing your own life.
Next time: Habit 3: Put First Things First.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
The computer is a great metaphor for the first three habits:
Habit 1: I am the programmer
Habit 2: I write the program
Habit 3: I run the program
The principle of Habit 2 is that Mental Creation Precedes Physical Creation. Everything human beings make has been created at least twice: first in the mind as an idea or design and second in the physical creation process. Highly effective people create everything twice-whether it be meetings, projects, key conversations, or their own lives. First in their planning and then in the world.
Highly effective people take time to clarify outcomes. They approach projects, meetings, relationships and their life with a plan or design in mind. Ineffective people live by default. Life happens to them. They act before envisioning a clear outcome. They are at the mercy of circumstances and other people.
Do you Begin With the End in Mind
At the start of every meeting?
At the beginning of every day, every week?
When you begin a new project?
Before you begin a crucial conversation?
An important component of Habit 2 is to have a Personal Mission Statement. Such a statement can clarify what is important to you. That in turn can help you in designing your life. If you don't know what your Life Mission is, how do you decide what should be the goal of your relationships, of your work, of your leisure time? You can find a Personal Mission Statement Builder at http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/.
This habit, of course, is a no-brainer for triathletes. Our life is full of goals: the next race, the Personal Record we want to achieve at that event, our weight, the number of repetitions with the barbells, etc. For me, these goals are critical. At the moment, the big goal is Ironman Cozumel in 34 days. I have set my goal finish time. I have set goal paces for the swim, bike and run. Every day when I train, I am focused because I am not just running, I am training for an Ironman on December 1. Having that End in Mind makes all the difference.
As you approach your life in the coming week, I invite you to take the time to envision your desired outcomes before you act. When that becomes a habit, you are taking an important step in designing your own life.
Next time: Habit 3: Put First Things First.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Habit 1: Be Proactive®-part 2 of 2
Another important aspect of being proactive invoves expanding your Circle of Influence. Picture two concentric circles. The larger, outer one is your Circle of Concern. It includes all those things you care about. The smaller, inner Circle of Influence includes only those things you can affect directly.
Inside your Circle of Concern might be world hunger, the performance of your favorite sports team or your weight gain. Of those, only one is within the Circle of Influence: weight gain. Even if it doesn't always seem that way, that is something over which you have control. There really isn't much you can do about world hunger, no matter how much you care.
When people focus on things they can't control, they have less time and energy to spend on things they can influence. Consequently their Circle of Influence actually shrinks. If someone spends all day worrying about world hunger, they are not attending to their weight problem.
On the other hand, when people focus on things they can directly influence, they expand their knowledge, experience and results. As a result their Circle of Influence grows.
Here is an example from triathlon: I am swimming in a race, sighting at the beach where the swim will end and I will start the bike. The quicker I can get to the beach, the better. This is, after all, a race. Completing the swim as quickly as possible is clearly within my Circle of Concern at the moment. But, it is not actually within my Circle of Influence. Focusing on the beach, how fast I am swimming, watching those on shore get bigger as I get closer, none of that is going to get me to the beach any faster. In fact, it actually keeps my attention from the things that can lead to a faster swim!
What can I influence directly? My body position in the water, keeping my hand and wrist in line with my forearm, extending my lead arm straight out in front, feeling the "catch" of the water. These are things I can impact. And, if I do these correctly, I can swim faster and get to the beach more quickly. So, what was before only within my Circle of Concern (a faster swim) is now inside my expanded Circle of Influence. Not because I focused on it, but because I focused on what I could influence.
This distinction between Concern and Influence often shows up in our personal relationships. How often have we wasted time and energy wishing someone else would change or actually trying to change their behavior. The truth is that we only have influence over our own behavior. And, if we focus on how we behave, we often find that others change in response and our Circle of Influence expands. Isn't it ironic that the more we try to change others, the less successful we are and that when we focus only upon changing ourselves, the result is that sometimes others change in just the way we hoped?
What are instances where you have expended time and energy focusing on things about which you are concerned, but over which you really don't have direct influence?
What is a situation in which you found that by focusing on that which you could directly control, you expanded your influence with others?
Next time: Habit 2: Begin With the End in Mind.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Inside your Circle of Concern might be world hunger, the performance of your favorite sports team or your weight gain. Of those, only one is within the Circle of Influence: weight gain. Even if it doesn't always seem that way, that is something over which you have control. There really isn't much you can do about world hunger, no matter how much you care.
When people focus on things they can't control, they have less time and energy to spend on things they can influence. Consequently their Circle of Influence actually shrinks. If someone spends all day worrying about world hunger, they are not attending to their weight problem.
On the other hand, when people focus on things they can directly influence, they expand their knowledge, experience and results. As a result their Circle of Influence grows.
Here is an example from triathlon: I am swimming in a race, sighting at the beach where the swim will end and I will start the bike. The quicker I can get to the beach, the better. This is, after all, a race. Completing the swim as quickly as possible is clearly within my Circle of Concern at the moment. But, it is not actually within my Circle of Influence. Focusing on the beach, how fast I am swimming, watching those on shore get bigger as I get closer, none of that is going to get me to the beach any faster. In fact, it actually keeps my attention from the things that can lead to a faster swim!
What can I influence directly? My body position in the water, keeping my hand and wrist in line with my forearm, extending my lead arm straight out in front, feeling the "catch" of the water. These are things I can impact. And, if I do these correctly, I can swim faster and get to the beach more quickly. So, what was before only within my Circle of Concern (a faster swim) is now inside my expanded Circle of Influence. Not because I focused on it, but because I focused on what I could influence.
This distinction between Concern and Influence often shows up in our personal relationships. How often have we wasted time and energy wishing someone else would change or actually trying to change their behavior. The truth is that we only have influence over our own behavior. And, if we focus on how we behave, we often find that others change in response and our Circle of Influence expands. Isn't it ironic that the more we try to change others, the less successful we are and that when we focus only upon changing ourselves, the result is that sometimes others change in just the way we hoped?
What are instances where you have expended time and energy focusing on things about which you are concerned, but over which you really don't have direct influence?
What is a situation in which you found that by focusing on that which you could directly control, you expanded your influence with others?
Next time: Habit 2: Begin With the End in Mind.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Habit 1: Be Proactive®
Habit 1: Be Proactive is the habit of choice. No matter what the circumstance, we have the power to choose what we will do about things that come at us. Ineffective people operate from the paradigm that "I am a product of my circumstances." "I don't control my life." It is a victim mentality. Effective people operate from the paradigm that "I am a product of my choices." They get to create their life by the choices they make.
Of course, it is possible not to take responsibility for making choices by citing extremes: "Well, what if someone has a gun to my head." OK, you might not have total control in all situations. But, the truth is that most of the people reading this are fortunate enough to have the freedom to choose how they will live...even if they don't always see that they have choices: "I'll start exercising when I get motivated." "I'd lose weight, but I have no will power." "I can't change." We know they can choose even if they don't think they can. And, don't we all do this sometimes?
Why is this Habit 1? If you come from a victim mentality, where your life and choices are controlled by others, by your circumstances, by your history, none of the other six Habits make any difference. In order to be effective at anything, you must start from the mindset that you determine how you will react to what comes your way.
Proactive people differ from reactive people in the way they respond to stimuli. We are bombarded by stimuli all day long; some of it minor (a horn honking in the distance) and some of it major (someone getting right up in your face.) Proactive people insert a pause between the stimulus and their response. In that pause, they choose how they will respond, rather than react automatically, impulsively, emotionally.
For me, the stimulus might be, "My plan is to run for three hours, I have been going for two hours, I am tired and would feel so much better if I stop. I can't go another step." To be reactive is to respond automatically, impulsively...and to stop running. The proactive response is to pause, digest the stimulus and choose a considered action. "Is it really true that I can't run another step or would it just feel better to stop?" "I chose to do an Ironman, no one is making me do this, and that involves long-distance training and some of it does not feel good." Only after pausing to consider one's response does an effective person choose what they will do.
Outside of the triathlon world, it can be as simple as: A driver cuts me off on the freeway (stimulus,) my immediate emotion is anger and I can either be reactive by blowing up, honking my horn, and making an obscene gesture, or I can pause (count to ten, perhaps) and choose a more suitable response. You get the idea.
Proactive and reactive people also use language differently. I could approach my training in a reactive way. "I have to swim this afternoon" has a victim quality to it. Like someone is making me do it. The truth is that I chose to do my upcoming race and swimming is part of the training.
This may sound like nitpicking, but imagine someone who has to go to work, has to help their spouse, has to pick up the kids. They operate from the position that they didn't choose their job, their spouse or to have kids. If they didn't choose their life, who did?
One of the common ways we often use reactive language is in relation to our own feelings. "He made me angry" is a reactive expression. A is saying B is responsible for A's feelings. The truth is that B did something (stimulus) and A responded with anger. The proactive person takes responsibility for their own feelings, rather than blame them on others. That doesn't mean that B might not have done something stupid, insensitive, etc. But, A's angry response was generated within A. B did not reach inside A and place anger there.
One of the reasons I enjoy triathlon is that, for the most part, triathletes are proactive about their involvement. They take responsibility for choosing to participate and for the results they get. No excuses.
In the next blog entry, I will talk about a third part of Habit 1, Expanding Your Circle of Influence.
What do you think about Habit 1, Be Proactive? I'm interested to know your thoughts.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Of course, it is possible not to take responsibility for making choices by citing extremes: "Well, what if someone has a gun to my head." OK, you might not have total control in all situations. But, the truth is that most of the people reading this are fortunate enough to have the freedom to choose how they will live...even if they don't always see that they have choices: "I'll start exercising when I get motivated." "I'd lose weight, but I have no will power." "I can't change." We know they can choose even if they don't think they can. And, don't we all do this sometimes?
Why is this Habit 1? If you come from a victim mentality, where your life and choices are controlled by others, by your circumstances, by your history, none of the other six Habits make any difference. In order to be effective at anything, you must start from the mindset that you determine how you will react to what comes your way.
Proactive people differ from reactive people in the way they respond to stimuli. We are bombarded by stimuli all day long; some of it minor (a horn honking in the distance) and some of it major (someone getting right up in your face.) Proactive people insert a pause between the stimulus and their response. In that pause, they choose how they will respond, rather than react automatically, impulsively, emotionally.
For me, the stimulus might be, "My plan is to run for three hours, I have been going for two hours, I am tired and would feel so much better if I stop. I can't go another step." To be reactive is to respond automatically, impulsively...and to stop running. The proactive response is to pause, digest the stimulus and choose a considered action. "Is it really true that I can't run another step or would it just feel better to stop?" "I chose to do an Ironman, no one is making me do this, and that involves long-distance training and some of it does not feel good." Only after pausing to consider one's response does an effective person choose what they will do.
Outside of the triathlon world, it can be as simple as: A driver cuts me off on the freeway (stimulus,) my immediate emotion is anger and I can either be reactive by blowing up, honking my horn, and making an obscene gesture, or I can pause (count to ten, perhaps) and choose a more suitable response. You get the idea.
Proactive and reactive people also use language differently. I could approach my training in a reactive way. "I have to swim this afternoon" has a victim quality to it. Like someone is making me do it. The truth is that I chose to do my upcoming race and swimming is part of the training.
This may sound like nitpicking, but imagine someone who has to go to work, has to help their spouse, has to pick up the kids. They operate from the position that they didn't choose their job, their spouse or to have kids. If they didn't choose their life, who did?
One of the common ways we often use reactive language is in relation to our own feelings. "He made me angry" is a reactive expression. A is saying B is responsible for A's feelings. The truth is that B did something (stimulus) and A responded with anger. The proactive person takes responsibility for their own feelings, rather than blame them on others. That doesn't mean that B might not have done something stupid, insensitive, etc. But, A's angry response was generated within A. B did not reach inside A and place anger there.
One of the reasons I enjoy triathlon is that, for the most part, triathletes are proactive about their involvement. They take responsibility for choosing to participate and for the results they get. No excuses.
In the next blog entry, I will talk about a third part of Habit 1, Expanding Your Circle of Influence.
What do you think about Habit 1, Be Proactive? I'm interested to know your thoughts.
To receive notices of upcoming blog entries, Like my Facebook page, http://on.fb.me/1aKtJEv.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)